


Words, Words, Words

by EzraTheBlue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Time, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Librarians, Library Sex, M/M, Saiyuki AU August 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 09:06:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15793389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: Goku can't take his eyes off of the mysterious and handsome patron, a reclusive author, showing up at his library, and he soon finds himself dealing with a worsening crush while trying to help the author find answers somewhere in his library's tomes. He just might have to go above and beyond the call of duty to help him out.





	Words, Words, Words

**Author's Note:**

  * For [illegalitygirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/illegalitygirl/gifts).



> For IllegalityGirl's request on the Saiyuki AU August Exchange! 
> 
> Special thanks to quiet-or-die for beta-reading! Your help is deeply appreciated!
> 
> I also would like to dedicate this to everyone battling writer's block. We can get through this! Just maybe not in the way our author in this story does. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Words, Words, Words**

Three. 

Gojyo always told him he was an idiot who needed his fingers to count on and had no idea what he was talking about half the time, but Goku was sure that was the same guy, and that he had been here three days in a row. Goku knew him at a glance now: pale skin and hollow cheekbones, an angular jaw always set in a grim scowl, stiff, broad shoulders always dressed in a beige coat and a slender neck covered with a green scarf, soulful eyes so blue they almost looked purple, and hair so golden it felt like sunshine whenever Goku looked at it. Goku actually felt all kinds of warm and funny inside when he saw the guy, or even when he smelled him coming, always smelling like cigarette smoke and cologne – something woody – whatever it was, the moment Goku sensed him, his stomach did little flip-flops, his heart pattered in his ribcage like it was full of jumping beans, and he actually felt a little burst of excitement, though he wasn't sure why. 

“It's him again,” he whispered without meaning to, clutching the books he'd been taking off of his cart a little harder. Beside him, the librarian on duty, Hakkai, glanced up from where he was crouched behind the stock cart.

“Him, Goku?” He stood up and dusted his hands, and followed Goku's sightline. “Ah, yes. Him.”

“Yeah, I told Gojyo I kept seeing the same guy around, but he didn't believe me! I know today's the third day in a row he's been here!” Goku tried to discreetly point at the man, just as he turned around a corner into a rear section of the library, away from the skylights of the atrium and towards an alcove in the very back corner where the psychology section met the religion section. Hakkai hummed and leaned out around the corner, then nodded.

“Ah. Mr. Sanzo. He's a regular, he must have an active project.” Hakkai smiled blithely and put a hand on the cart, indicating to Goku that he was moving on. “Don't mind him. We'll see him in bursts when he's researching one of his writing projects, he'll be here for days, if not weeks on end buried in some section or another. I've seen him do this no less than six times in the three years I've been here, and I found it's best to leave him alone. He can get a bit involved with what he's doing, and, er, cranky.”

“Cranky?” Goku trotted alongside Hakkai as he walked the cart towards the elevator. They'd already put the returns back in the 100 through 500 sections on the first floor, but after the end of the World Cup, the 700 section upstairs always looked a little threadbare and Goku knew a good chunk of those books were still on another cart behind the desk. Hakkai chuckled.

“Yes. He, er, has a bit of a temper, from what I've observed. He tends to get snappish when interrupted, and he's got one of those personalities like ceviche.”

“Ceviche?” Goku furrowed his brow. “Salty, vinegary, and maybe a little fishy?”

Hakkai laughed hard, then hushed himself as a few of the other patrons glanced up and around and an older woman shushed them from the card catalog. “Ah, I meant, one either likes him, or doesn't. I, for one, admire his dedication. Gojyo thinks he's a blowhard though he respects his honesty. I think Mr. Sanzo's come to avoid the coffee shop in the thick of his research just because he runs out of energy to trade barbs with our dear barista.”

Goku rolled his eyes. “Gojyo's like that with everyone. He either flirts or teases.”

“Mr. Sanzo's not the type to take either lightly.” Hakkai pushed the cart to the elevator door and pressed the lift call. “Gojyo is excellent with coffee, but not quite so adroit at drawing the line on when he's taken a challenge too far.” The door opened, and Hakkai pushed the cart in. Goku followed and reached around to tap the button for the upper floor. “Thank you. But, as I said, don't mind him. He generally keeps to himself. The most you can do is clear away the books he isn't using if they start piling up and answer his questions to the best of your abilities.” 

“Yeah, okay. I wasn't worried, just ...” Goku glanced back over his shoulder one last time, and he could just see Mr. Sanzo settling in at the table with a stack of books. “I noticed him, is all.”

“Of course.” Hakkai smiled amenably as the elevator doors shut, and Goku smiled back at him as they waited for the elevator to get to the second floor. He tried to look over the railing as they headed for the sports section, still unable to help being a little curious about that pretty, curious man buried under what was now a small mountain of books.

Goku would take good care of him, just like all of their patrons. Being a librarian was fun! He loved when he got to work in the children's section and lead story time, especially when he got to break out the puppets. Hopping up and down shelves to stock books and pushing the carts around helped him get his energy out. He liked talking to the patrons, answering their questions, helping them find books and asking about what they were reading. He was smart enough to know he didn't know everything, but he sure loved learning more! He was even fine with the tough customers, able to take frustration with an easy smile and give either quick answers or a referral to someone who could give a good answer. He'd only been here two months, but he was doing his best and loving it. He got the feeling he'd enjoy helping Mr. Sanzo out if he needed to.

Like Hakkai had told him, Mr. Sanzo mostly kept to himself. Every time Goku passed by him, he was further and further obscured behind a wall of books. Goku wasn't sure just what he was researching, but he could recognize the Dewey numbers. Psychology texts from Reis, Aron, Skinner, Piaget, and at one point, Goku saw a tome of Freud being pitched out of Mr. Sanzo's alcove. (Sanzo promptly stormed out and picked it up, then shoved it back on the shelf next to a reference book about recycling. Goku had been ready to scold him, since he didn't let people damage the books, but Freud was kind of a wallbanger so he couldn't be too mad.) Goku did his best to let him be, like Hakkai said, but when he started noticing the big gaps in the psychology section, he decided to approach Mr. Sanzo's alcove to take some of the books back. He seemed entirely absorbed in his reading when Goku tiptoed up, walled up behind the books like a prisoner, flipping a page without even glancing up as Goku took the pile furthest from it and went to carry it to the stock cart. However, when he went back for another stack, the moment he touched the book, a narrow hand snapped out and grabbed his wrist.

“You're the kid who's been skulking around.” Mr. Sanzo leaned out from around the pillar, already glowering as that dark, piercing gaze ran all over him. “I'm not done with these.”

“Oh! Sorry, Mr. Sanzo, couldn't tell!”

Mr. Sanzo's gaze narrowed to a glower. “How do you know my name?”

“Hakkai told me.” Goku grinned. “Guess it's only fair you know mine!” He thumbed his chest with the hand Mr. Sanzo didn't have in a deathgrip. “I'm Goku! I'm the newest assistant here.”

Sanzo continued to glare at him, and if Goku thought his hair was like sunshine, his glare was like sunlight refracted through a magnifying glass. He wasn't sure if he was burning up under his scrutiny, or if his face just felt warm from actually getting a good look at Mr. Sanzo. He was awfully pretty, even with a scowl on. “I see.” He finally released Goku's hand, and Goku realized how warm that touch had been as the chill of the industrial AC bled back in. “Sanzo's fine. No Mister.”

“Oh! Got it, M– um, Sanzo.” Goku grinned again, then glanced at the text in Sanzo's hand. “So, um, what're you reading?”

Sanzo glanced at his book, gaze dipping down and back. “A book.”

“Oh.” Goku cocked his head. “For your writing research, right?” He could see Sanzo had a little notebook open near him. “What are you writing?”

This elicited a sigh like a wheeze from a dusty furnace. “Words, words, words.” Sanzo's glare finally set into a scowl, heavy and weary. “I'll let you know if I need anything.”

Goku felt his face take heat now. “Sure thing. Okay. Just, um, let me know.” Before Goku could pivot and depart, Sanzo pushed a different set of books towards him. 

“I am done with these.” With that, he turned his attention back to the text. Goku took the books Sanzo had indicated and left, still feeling somehow embarrassed at Sanzo's brush-off.

How could a guy he'd just met make him feel that small and that flustered that easily?! 

* * *

 

"Oh, shit, you like him?!" Gojyo cackled and slapped the counter, rattling the tip jar, and Goku's ears turned crimson.

"Shut up, I just met him!"

"I can't believe it!" Gojyo howled as if Goku hadn't spoken, throwing an arm around Goku's neck and yanking him in to dig his knuckle in on his scalp. "Baby chimp's got a crush on the meanest guy who ever walks through those doors!"

"Man, I climb  _ one  _ shelf and suddenly it’s chimp this, chimp that!" Goku twisted out of Gojyo's headlock and threw him off, giving his arm a playful shove. Gojyo staggered a step back towards the coffee carafes behind him before catching himself, but got his balance quickly and strode back to the counter to muss Goku's hair again.

"Damn brat, careful with the coffeepots. Hakkai'll ream me out something fierce if I knock one over and bust it in a way I can't fix."

"Like you'd mind!" Goku stuck his tongue out at Gojyo, but Gojyo just scoffed and fixed his apron.

"I wish. It might actually be sexy if I could tell he was angry, but instead he just does the creepy teacher voice and scolds me 'til I feel guilty about it." He crossed his arms. "Then again, if you do try your luck with that Ice Princess, you'll probably get yelled at, if that turns you on."

"I don't like him like that, I just met him!" Goku crossed his arms tight, and Gojyo snickered and turned back to the machines.

"Whatever. Maybe a little joe'll help you figure yourself out." He started up making Goku's favorite drink, and Goku sighed and lounged against the counter. Gojyo was a tease and a flirt, for sure, mostly a tease with Goku and a flirt with every woman who walked into his alcove in the library basement and Hakkai (though after a week flirting with Gojyo pretty sincerely, Goku realized Gojyo was only toying with him, and Hakkai made very clear to Goku that Gojyo was very much spoken for), but he was a good guy and good at putting together coffee drinks. When Hakkai had introduced him to Gojyo, Gojyo had greeted him like an old friend or a kid brother. He was a nice guy, really, and Goku liked palling around with him on his fifteen-minute coffee breaks, but Goku was still feeling a little twisted up inside after his conversation with Sanzo. He'd told Gojyo he was feeling kinda funny hoping for a pat on the back and a cup of coffee.

At least he was getting the coffee.

“There ya go, kiddo. Iced cold brew macchiato with sea salt caramel and almond milk.” Gojyo pushed the cup over the counter, then leaned on his elbows as Goku eagerly scooped the cup up and took a sip. “And hey, don't let your little crush on the Ice Princess get ya down. You're cute and shit, maybe he'll actually like you.” Then, Gojyo threw his hands up in an exaggerated shrug. “That, or you'll get a good taste and spit him out.”

Goku had been in the middle of a long slurp and nearly spat that out. Instead, he gulped it down and scowled at Gojyo. “Don't be gross! I'll be nice to him like I am to everyone and that's it!”

“Whatever you say, chimp.” Gojyo stuck his tongue out at him, just as one of the machines beeped behind him. “Ah, damn, time to refresh the dark roast. Off with ya.”  Gojyo pivoted around and got down to business, and Goku went to drink his coffee and enjoy being off his feet for the rest of his break. He took his usual spot near one of the windows that wasn't covered in banners advertising the library's Pre-K and Adult Education programs and watched people go by, eased by the gentle lull of conversations from others in the coffee lounge. It was nice. Relaxing.

Then, he heard the sharp click of wingtip loafers on the tile, and a familiar, gruff voice: "Dark roast, black and hot. I'm willing to wait for the fresh pot."

"Well, well! Look what the cat dragged in!" Goku spun around, twisting his spine and his guts up to see Gojyo leering over the counter at Sanzo. Sanzo folded his arms.

"You're making aimless small talk, so I'm guessing the coffee's still brewing."

"Sorry, got a little backed up." Gojyo chuckled sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders. "But hey, long time, no see. I read that last book just a week ago, the locked room mystery on the train? Very Agatha Christie, man, but that blunt ending was inspired. Loved it!"

"I suppose saying I don't need your praise, just your coffee, will keep you from gushing." Sanzo rolled his eyes. "It's unfortunate that my least favorite fanboy makes the best coffee in town."

"Aw, admit it, you love getting your ego stroked. Makes you gush a little too, eh?" Gojyo winked as the machine beeped again, spinning around on his heel with his hair swaying around him, as Sanzo grunted with disgust and began to tap his foot. "Although, if you're on the look-out for someone who'll really stroke your ego, I might know a few girls around here who'd say they were fans, too, even if they didn't recognize you on the street."

"Shut up and give me my coffee." Sanzo shoved a wad of cash over the counter, as Goku stewed in his chair. He felt inexplicably squishy and hot inside at seeing Gojyo tease Sanzo like that, and it was not a good feeling. Gojyo heaved a mocking sigh.

"Fine, fine, jeez, make a man feel like a cheap whore, right? I know you're just using me for my body." He pushed a cup, full to the brim with ink-black coffee. "After all, ain't nobody else I know can make a coffee as thick and rich as me."

"Consider yourself lucky you're useful." Sanzo sneered, but dropped an extra bill in the tip jar and strolled away, coffee in hand. Goku clung to the back of his chair, ducking down a little and peering over the edge as he passed as if he thought he was being remotely successful at hiding. He shot Gojyo a quick scowl as Sanzo rounded the corner and headed for the stairs back to the main library, and jumped up from his seat, heart still pounding a little too hard.

And then he stopped, realizing his face was over-warm again and he felt tight and uncomfortable in his own skin. Something about Sanzo was making him like this.

“Crap.” He rubbed the back of his head. “He's actually kind of cute, isn't he?” He grinned to himself, embarrassed at how stupid he felt. He couldn't help it: that Sanzo guy was kind of mysterious and serious and made Goku all curious and damn it, he was kind of cute.

Maybe he did have a tiny crush.  But that was okay. He would either get over it or deal with it.

* * *

When Sanzo came in the next day, Goku felt a little shiver run through every inch of him as he strode by, close enough that Goku could smell the aroma of incense and cigarettes hanging onto his scarf. For a second, he felt a little jealous of a cigarette butt because it had touched those pretty lips. 

Okay, maybe he wasn't dealing with this crush as well as he'd hoped.

Still, he committed himself to his work and avoiding Sanzo in hopes of not embarrassing himself, helping at the counter, smiling at the little old ladies checking out their Harlequin romances and directing people to the right sections, skirting around the philosophy section as best he could when guiding patrons through and not even looking Sanzo's way.

Or trying not to. On his way back from lunch, he accidentally sneaked a peek into his alcove, only to see him entirely obscured by books. Words, words, words, Goku thought with a sympathetic little smile, and approached.

"Which of these are you done with?" Goku peered over the walls to see Sanzo hunched over a notepad computer and glaring into a rather dense text, small print that Goku couldn't make out at his angle.

"Who said I was done with any of them?"

"Well, nobody, but this table's kinda old and wobbly." Goku gave the tabletop a little shake, and the legs quivered way too easily. "I figured I'd take away the extra weight before it broke on ya."

Sanzo glanced up from his screen, lips pursed, then pushed three of the stacks a little closer to Goku. Goku gathered them all up with ease, though Sanzo raised an eyebrow.

"And you can safely carry all that?"

"Hey, nothing old and wobbly about my legs!" He grinned, as Sanzo fixed him with an impassive stare, and Goku's mouth kept moving: "Or, uh, back. Or arms, or hands, or – hey, I'm just gonna go." He hoisted the books up in a vain attempt to hide the red in his cheeks. Sanzo scoffed quietly as he retreated, but Goku then heard the distinct rustle of a thin page being turned over. Maybe Sanzo only thought he was sort of an idiot.

The next time Goku was restocking in the fiction section, something Gojyo said came back to him, and he found himself walking a little too close to the Mysteries section for someone whose cart was loaded with Teen Romance novels. If Gojyo had read anything (no matter how much Goku teased him about only being interested in the swimsuit edition of the sports rags), he'd gotten it from this library. He quickly scanned for the name "Sanzo" on the spines. No luck. He debated flipping them all around for the author's given name, until he heard a soft cough near him.

"Goku." Hakkai was around the other corner, smiling blithely as he strolled towards him. Goku felt his cheeks heat up again, certain that Hakkai already knew exactly what he was looking for because Hakkai was smart like that. "A little off-course, are we?"

"Ah! Sorry, Hakkai, I was just–"

"Looking for this one." Hakkai finished, and pulled a book from the end of the section by tipping the spine and letting it fall into his open hand with gracious aplomb. He offered it to Goku:  _ "The Engines of Deceit," _ by John Zen. Goku cocked his head as he took it, and Hakkai chuckled under his breath. "Sanzo writes under a pseudonym."

"Oh!" Goku nodded his understanding. "He must be kinda shy, I guess."

"I don't know him personally, but my limited observations suggest he's reclusive, and has little interest in the fame that comes with being a respected author." Hakkai opened the front cover and pointed to the publication information. "However, for those who know where to look, this is indeed copyrighted to the K. Sanzo Genjo Trust."

"I see." Goku turned the book over and skimmed over the summary on the back. Hakkai hummed his amusement.

"Yes, Gojyo suggested you might linger here looking for something, since he knows what a good listener you can be when a topic interests you." Hakkai smiled wryly. "Curiosity sated?"

"Um, not exactly." Goku held the book up. "Can I put this at the front desk so I can check it out after my shift?"

"Absolutely, nobody else has it reserved at the moment. I'll put a note with your name on it with it." Hakkai accepted the book from him. Goku beamed, then pivoted back towards the book cart.

"Thanks! I'll get back to work now, promise!"

"Goku." It was a little singsong, but something in Hakkai's tone made Goku freeze in place and slowly turn back around. Hakkai approached to an intimate distance and put a hand on Goku's shoulder, then held his gaze. "It's alright. I'm not upset, and nobody blames you for how you feel. I can't guarantee you'll succeed, but there's no harm in making the effort. Just, do keep it under control in the library, won't you?"

Hakkai was seriously the best. "Yeah. Thanks." Goku managed to swallow his embarrassment, and Hakkai winked as he backed up.

"If you need pointers, I can oblige, but I suggest just being your charming self."

"I wasn't gonna push or anything, y'know? He's a patron. A cute patron." Goku grinned, and returned to the cart, giving Hakkai one last smirk over his shoulder. “I'll just be nice to him, like everyone else.”

“That will do.” Hakkai folded his hands as Goku rolled off towards the shelves he was stocking, still holding the book in his hands, but he glanced down at just as Goku busied himself with putting the books away. Goku faintly heard him say to himself: “Goodness, I hope it does.”

He would wonder what Hakkai meant, but he was trying to keep it off his mind so he could make good on Hakkai's request for him to 'keep it under control in the library.'

Sanzo was still there when Goku left for the night, tucked in his little alcove like a nun in cloister. Goku kept trying not to look his way as he walked past him with the book tucked under his arm, but he did wonder how much of Sanzo he might see in the text.

* * *

It wasn't an easy read, but Goku managed to power his way through Sanzo's novel over his evening and the next morning before work. He still had it on the check-in counter next to him as he began to sort the items that had been dropped in the overnight depository when Sanzo walked in, a scant five minutes after the front doors were unlocked to the public. He seemed to be rebounding to the precise last spot Goku had seen him in, but he broke his stride as he passed the counter, glancing over to where the novel sat next to the depository pile.

"That just got turned in?" Sanzo motioned as if he knew Goku had been watching him with furtive little peeks from under his eyelashes. Goku shrugged, and decided not to lie.

"Yeah, actually, I read it last night. Gojyo, in the coffee shop, he said it was good." None of that was a lie, even if it wasn't the full truth. Goku kept scanning books back in as Sanzo snaked an arm over and picked it up, turning it over as if he'd never seen it before.

"What did you think of it?"

Goku couldn't help but smile. "It was really good. Usually, I'm not a mystery kinda guy, but it was good. I liked how, when you saw the first clue the detective found, it all made perfect sense, and even though the killer was exactly who you thought it was, you know, and it all ended exactly the way I thought it was gonna after I read the set-up, it still hit hard when it came together. So, I liked it."

Sanzo stilled, then set the book down on the counter. "I sense a 'but.' What aren't you saying?"

Goku chuckled again. "Well, to be honest? I didn't love the main character. He, um, he didn't feel like a person. He was hollow."

"Hollow," Sanzo repeated, and suddenly Goku realized he was staring. Goku tried to pretend he was only interested in the books, gluing his eyes to each barcode as Sanzo's gaze pierced through him. "And what do you mean by that?"

"Um, he wasn't a person, y'know? Like, he does stuff and says stuff, but he never says anything about who he is other than the person solving the mystery, like he's a clue vacuum instead of an actual guy doing his job." Goku shrugged again. "Like, when he sees the body, does he think it's gross? Is he upset, like, ever? Does he get excited when he's thought of something? Even if the answer is no, I couldn't tell. He didn't show any feelings. He didn't have a heart." Goku put the books he'd finished scanning aside, taking away any excuse he had not to look at Sanzo. Somehow, the scowl Sanzo was wearing didn't make Goku feel like he was about to jump over the granite table between them and throttle him, but more like he would be scowling at himself if he could.

Then, he sneered. "Did you think that up, or are you just quoting the critics?"

Goku chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "I don't read critics, I like reading books for myself. That way, I can think about it for myself. If someone tells me a book is good, I want it to be good, but I'll make my own call for myself."

Sanzo scoffed and tossed the book back over the counter. "I've heard worse analyses from paid critics. The book's alright, and I'd say your take on it is accurate."

"Hey, I'm just a guy who reads books sometimes." Goku smiled to himself and quickly scanned the book back in and put it with the rest of the stock to put back. Sanzo stalked off, shoulders hunched with obvious agitation, but still not the kind of frustration that made Goku want to call a manager. Goku wondered for a second if maybe something about the book was what had him all wrought up, but it was none of his business, really.

No, his business was helping to keep Sanzo from getting completely buried under books and maybe helping him find what he was looking for, if Sanzo asked, but otherwise pretending he had absolutely no other interest in Sanzo than that.

Even if he couldn't help but watch Sanzo when he did roam the aisles, perusing books like an assayer studying jewels, or as the afternoon wore on, like a police officer surveying a ten-car pileup. Those eyes were fascinating. His face, his serious expression, he just made Goku melt.

Even if he found himself wondering if Sanzo knew anything about the comic series he read, and if maybe he'd want to sit down and have a nice long talk about  _ Fables _ or the current _ Iron Man  _ series. Goku wanted to know what he thought about them, or maybe he just wanted to hear that low, rough voice talk for hours and hours.

Even if he found himself sighing as he sat backwards in his corner chair in the coffee shop as he watched Sanzo take a first long drink of his dark roast coffee. He was broken from his reverie by the weight of a pointed elbow pressing into his back.

“You know,” Gojyo said from above and behind him, “staring and mooning never got anyone laid, no matter what you read in those cheesy teen romance novels.”

Goku swung his fist directly upwards, landing a glancing blow off of Gojyo's chin. He spun back around just as Gojyo laughed the blow off. “Lay off! It's not like that!” He turned back, as Sanzo continued to drink his coffee and flip a page in the book he was reading (with a distinct expression of displeasure). “I'm just ...” He trailed off as Gojyo hummed and drummed his fingers on his back. “Just, you know ...”

“Uh-huh. I sure do.” Gojyo leaned hard on his back, and Goku could feel his knowing smirk over his shoulder. He moaned.

“Okay, well, maybe I'm not taking it that far yet. I'd wanna get to know 'im, first.” Goku folded his arms on the back of the chair. “Talk to him. It's not just that.”

“For you, kid, I didn't think it would be.” Gojyo chuckled, and Goku craned his neck around to look up at him.

“Hey, how'd you start talking to Hakkai?”

“I said 'hi,' dumbass.”

Goku tried to swing at him again, but Gojyo dodged completely with a sway backwards. “I'm being serious!”

“So am I, banana-brains! I went up to him and said 'hi!'” Gojyo crossed his arms and tossed his hair back. “It wasn't some dramatic thing, we crossed paths, I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, that was it!”

Goku bit his lip for a second, considering Sanzo. “And it was ... that easy?”

“Well, it took a little time. You know how Hakkai is.” Gojyo smiled in a weirdly fond, nostalgic way. “He's something special, y'know?”

“Gross.” Goku scrunched his nose and looked back at Sanzo. He was glaring at the inside of the book now as if it had offended him. “You really think I could just go up to him and just, start talking?”

Gojyo glanced over to study Sanzo too, pulling a face. “Well, uh. You could try it. I dunno, I ain't jokin' when I call him an ice princess. He's always a damn wall when I'm jokin' with him, deadpans it all off or just insults me. It's kinda funny, but–”

“Actually, I watched him.” Goku rubbed his lower lip. “He kinda has this tiny flicker of a smile when you get a good one. I think he has fun with you, you just gotta know what to look for.”

Gojyo raised an eyebrow at this. “You really think?” He glanced up and over at Sanzo, who'd set his cup down and directed his focus to his book, then pushed off of Goku and strolled over to pick the cup up. Sanzo flicked his gaze up for a second, as Gojyo shook the cup and spoke just loudly enough that Goku could hear. “Couldn't resist, could ya? You know I got the good shit that keeps you coming back.”

Goku saw that little flash of a smirk as Sanzo answered. “It's more like, 'there are no other options.' I'm open to recommendations for anyone other than you.”

Gojyo laughed sharply. “Keep talkin', baby, and I might have some.” He took the cup and walked it to the recycling bin then strode back over to Goku. He leaned over him again and muttered, “Okay, when I looked for it, I saw it.” He shook his head a little. “If anyone's got a chance, I'd say it's you. Go for it.”

“I still dunno.” Goku tried not to look like he was watching Sanzo as he got to his feet and headed back for the library. “I think he's special, too.”

Gojyo just sighed, mussed his hair, and loped back towards the coffee counter. “You'll figure it out, kid.”

Goku sure hoped so.

* * *

The afternoon had worn on after Goku's break ended, and Sanzo looked more and more wearied by the moment. He made his regular passes to collect unwanted books, but he noticed something else building up beside Sanzo: a pile of torn up notebook pages. Sanzo was scribbling something on a notepad and only glancing to his laptop occasionally. Goku brought a wastebasket and picked the scraps up, but he couldn't help but glance to Sanzo's scrawl on the pages.

His handwriting was a little sloppy and crooked, but legible enough where the pages hadn't been torn or shredded. Goku could read bits like  _ “touched his chest, pushed it a little”  _ or  _ “looked deep into his eyes” _ but couldn't make out what he was getting at. He spotted a line of dialogue, something about  _ “look like an angel,” _ and wrinkled his nose up a little.

“It's trash,” Sanzo muttered, and Goku glanced up from picking it up to see him on the receiving end of a caustic stare. Not aimed at him, but at the paper.

“Well, um, I brought you a trash can, so–”

“Not what I – ugh.” He rolled his eyes and grumbled a, “never mind,” and turned his attention back to the page in front of him, tapping his pen on the corner of the notepad. “Maybe...”

Goku straightened up and put the trash can down. “Maybe?”

Sanzo stared hard into the paper for a moment. “I'm ... looking for relationship advice.”

“Oh! Well, um, I'm not the reference desk, usually that's Hakkai, but I can tell ya you've been looking in the right spot.” Goku motioned to the psychology tests. “Were you looking for recommendations? I could ask Hakkai.”

“I'm asking you.” Sanzo turned his focus to him, and Goku's mouth went dry. “When you're looking for relationship advice, where do you look? What books? Which authors?”

“Oh.” Goku bit his lip; he knew honesty would probably be best, but he had a feeling it wouldn't help. “Well ... I've never really had a relationship that needed work like that, to be honest.”

Sanzo cocked an eyebrow, and Goku quickly broke eye contact. “I mean, there was this guy from my school, we met in a boring history class, and he was funny and he thought I was cute, so we started going out, and we had a lot of fun! For a few months, I mean.” Goku gestured vaguely, talking with his hands even if he didn't want to see what Sanzo's stoic expression might have been saying. “But, uh, he was super full of himself and egotistical, and it was funny at first, but then it got boring.” He wrinkled his nose as he thought about it. “Like, he never did anything for me, only when it was good for him, too, and he made excuses when he did stuff that hurt my feelings. He never apologized, 'cause he thought he was always right. Maybe I should'a looked for ways to fix it, except it was him that was putting me off of being with him, and I guess maybe the relationship wasn't worth fixing. Um, and I haven't had any other real relationships other than Zakuro.” He tilted his head back and forth as he thought. “Um, I mean, me and Gojyo got real flirty once, but we decided sleeping together would mess stuff up, and now he's real happy with Hakkai anyway.” Sanzo hummed atonally, clearly less than amused, and Goku moved on fast: “Oh, and there were a couple flings when I was in high school with friends and stuff, but it never really got into 'relationship,' just, like, friends who sleep with each other if they feel like it – oh, there's Nataku!” Goku snapped his fingers, grinning, as Sanzo raised an eyebrow. “We've been besties since elementary school. Me and him had a friends-with-benefits thing for, like, years, but we were just friends and we didn't want to make it weird by being boyfriends, and now he's got a regular boyfriend and even if I hate Homura, I'm not gonna 'other-guy' him.” Sanzo scoffed, and Goku realized how long he'd been talking, and folded his hands behind his back. “Oh, and I guess there was this really cute girl I met at this Oasis cover band show, and the band sucked so we hung out on the balcony and talked and made out all night. I wish I'd gotten her number.”

“I get the point. You don't know shit about this.” He turned back to his notepad, then the stacks of books. “And nor do I. And nor do any of these idiots.”

“Yeah.” Goku shrugged a little. He looked over the books: Phil McGraw, Oprah, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Dr. Laura. Yuck. Sanzo must have been getting desperate. “Love's one of those things that's kinda hard to know, I guess, 'cause it happens different for everyone. Those guys might have ideas, but it's sorta like, you gotta experience it. I think. Like, I didn't know stuff wasn't gonna work with Zakuro until we tried it.”

“Hmph.” Sanzo stood abruptly, then rubbed grit away from his eyes. “Fuck it, I need a smoke.” He stalked off without another word, and Goku finished picking up the trash.

So Sanzo was looking into love stuff, but he didn't know much. Somehow, with how prickly most people seemed to think Sanzo was, that didn't surprise Goku. It probably didn't help that he didn't feel like he was getting anywhere with it, and he was starting to look really exhausted. Poor guy. Goku wasn't really sure how to help anymore.

He did have one idea.

When Sanzo came back to his space, it was to a small stack of books and a cup of coffee. Goku was just walking away when he got to his chair, surveyed it, and whipped around on him. “You.”

Goku glanced back. “Me?”

Sanzo motioned. “What is–”

“Oh, um, I asked Hakkai about some good relationship books. Those are the ones he recommended.” Goku paused, as Sanzo stared expectantly. “And, um, I asked Gojyo to brew you a fresh pot of the dark roast. I didn't see you add any creamer or sugar before, so it's black. I hope that's okay.”

Sanzo was quiet, mouth forming a thin line, clearly lost for words. Then, he broke eye contact. “It is. Thank you.” He sat back down and flipped open the book on top of the stack.

Goku's heart fluttered a little as he turned and walked away, just a little proud of himself. Even if Sanzo wasn't getting anywhere, he felt like maybe he was.

* * *

 

Sanzo was ensconced in his alcove when Goku's shift ended, buried in books again. Goku halted in place, realizing how deeply weary he looked behind his reading glasses. He looked disgusted and tired and genuinely unhappy. Goku hesitated, then approached and took a stack of books. 

“You done with these?”

Sanzo scantly nodded, then looked up over the edge of the book he was poring over. “None of them are any good.”

Goku glanced down at the books in his hands – thick collegiate textbooks on psychology and sexuality. “Well, um, they're not my kind of books either. I usually only stick with fiction, to be honest.”

“Fiction,” Sanzo repeated dully, eyelids hanging heavy. Goku shrugged as he took up the books Sanzo wasn't reading.

“Yeah, I mean, it's not educational but I learn plenty anyway, 'cause I can read about stuff I've never done and places I can't go. Magic and adventures and amazing people, and ... y'know, things that don't happen to guys like me.” He chuckled with a little embarrassment, as Sanzo's lidded gaze followed him around the alcove as he gathered up the stack. “Let me just get this wall outta your way.”

“Things that don't happen,” Sanzo muttered, dragging his palm down the lower half of his face. 

“Yeah.” Goku grunted as he got the last book, then glanced to Sanzo. “Hey, um, you look really tired. How about you go get some rest?” Sanzo let his chin fall listlessly towards his chest, before shaking his head and muttering:

“All a waste of fucking time. Haven't gotten a damn thing done.” He swatted his laptop shut and stormed to his feet, gathering his things up with a few swipes, and Goku stood back as he trundled out, stumbling just a little on his feet.

Goku wished he could catch him. Instead, he carried the books back to the desk and went home.

He knew he'd spend the night thinking about the way Sanzo's mouth moved when he said the word 'fuck.'

* * *

Sanzo came in ten minutes after the doors unlocked and stalked right past Goku, reeking of cigarette smoke and already yanking his scarf off. Goku couldn't help but grin to himself; Sanzo's serious face when he was on a mission was pretty awesome.

He didn't see much of Sanzo, his alcove empty for the first time in days except for his scarf left on the chair. Goku definitely wasn't looking for him. Nope. Not peeking around every corner as he passed each row. Definitely not.

Or even if he was, he hadn't spotted him. It was a pretty big library, after all, and checking on Sanzo wasn't the only thing he had to do that day. That was why when he did encounter Sanzo, it surprised him:

“You.” Goku jumped at the growl from behind him, and spun around to see Sanzo waiting, back arched like a cat who'd just escaped a rainstorm. He evinced the exact same irritation in every word he spat: “Show me the romance section.”

Sanzo's on-a-mission face was no longer awesome. Actually, it was a little scary. And yet, he was still really pretty.

Goku couldn't stop the blood from flushing his cheeks. “Romance, huh?” He rubbed his own cheek as if he could clean the red off. “Um, sure. Follow me.”

Somehow, the fact that Sanzo was glaring through Goku the entire walk to the elevator only made the hair on the back of his neck rise a little. Goku just tried not to look at him, worried that he might actually flinch. Anger seemed to seethe silently off of Sanzo like smoke rolling off of dry ice, and this time, Goku couldn't tell what it was directed towards. Possibly everything that had ever existed or that would exist until the sun died.

“The romance is over here behind the sci-fi.” Goku displayed the shelf with a little flourish, smiling as brightly as he could in the face of Sanzo's white-hot, silent fury. Sanzo turned his piercing glare from Goku to the books, and Goku felt a physical relief as he directed his ire at something else. He briefly wondered if he should warn Sanzo about the penalties for defacing library property, but Sanzo finally flipped a hand at them.

“Pick one.”

Goku glanced to the shelf, then plucked one at random and gingerly held it out towards Sanzo. Sanzo started to extend a hand, then crumpled his fingers into a fist. “What's it about?”

“Oh, I dunno. I don't read romance like that.” Goku flipped the paperback over. “Um, it says it's about a nobleman whose friend gets in trouble and needs to bail him out, um, something about a bet, and he has to seduce–”

“Trite,” Sanzo grunted, lip curled up, then he snatched it. Goku saw the pages bend and tried to take it back, as Sanzo turned it over incredulously. “Who the fuck reads this shit?”

“I dunno! Women! Girls! A couple guys! I liked that one a lot!” Goku reached for the book, but flinched when he saw how close his hand was to Sanzo's face. “You don't have to, if you don't wanna!”

Sanzo whipped his neck around, and Goku found himself petrified like he'd faced a Medusa. “You don't get it. Idiot.” He snapped his arm out as if in accusation. “And what do you read when you're looking for information about love?”

“I dunno! Books where love happens, but it's not about that, 'cause love's not just about love!” Goku scrunched his face up and crossed his arms. "I like the books where maybe they go on an adventure and there's dragons and stuff and maybe they fall in love or at least think about it, or there's someone lost in a jungle and they meet a mysterious native, or there's a guy who's getting experimented on and needs a rescue, or maybe some friends have to go on a journey together and start realizing there's something more – like, it happens naturally!" He shook his head. "Even that book. It's not just about love, it sounds like it belongs with the historical fiction or something."

"Then how the hell does one read about this bullshit?!" Sanzo threw the book down. Goku scowled and picked it up.

"You open the cover and start at chapter one.” He dusted the cover off as Sanzo scoffed. “If you really hate this stuff so much, why are you asking about it?"

"I tried science, sexology, philosophy, even boring-ass advice books, and not a damn bit of it is telling me how people fall in love."

"That's because there's not just one way!" Goku held the book tight. "It's part of life, it's just something that happens! Boy meets girl, or boy, or maybe girl meets girl – person meets person – and they click or they get to know each other and they learn about each other and then it just – it just happens!"

Sanzo drew himself up tall, trying to tower over Goku and look down at him, and though Goku had come into this not wanting to tick Sanzo off, he stood his ground now. "If love is so annoying to you, why do you care, anyway?"

"I have to care. It's my job."

"Yeah, well, my job is to care about books. Don't throw 'em around." Goku put the book back on the shelf and crossed his arms. "I'm not workin' the reference desk today, but if you tell me what you're really looking for, I might be able to help you."

Sanzo narrowed his eyes to slits. "How?"

"Just say what it is you're looking for." Goku held his ground, digging his heels in and ignoring the way every word Sanzo said now felt like a brand on his forehead.

"You don't understand it, either, you said as much!" Sanzo threw his hands out. "How the fuck are you going to tell me about shit you don't know?"

"You're trying to find out about love, right? How people fall in love, and what those feelings are? Why you gotta be so damn awkward about it?!" Goku huffed and crossed his arms. "It's different for everyone! There's no one way, nobody's gonna tell you how it works!" He held the book up and waved it. "This is nothing but words, words, words!"

"Then what," Sanzo growled, closing the distance and putting his face, his snarl, gritted teeth and blazing eyes, too close to Goku's, "are you telling me I need!"

"Action." Goku returned Sanzo's harsh stare. "You just need to get out there and do it."

Sanzo inhaled sharply, puffing up like he was about to explode, then shoved Goku back. “Get out of my way. You don't get it.”

Goku didn't even stumble, but glared at Sanzo's back as he stormed off. “At least I'm trying. I just wanted to help you.” Sanzo ignored him, and Goku turned on his heel and went back to the elevator to go back to his station.

Really, he was proud of himself. It wasn't like he had offered to show Sanzo what he was missing. He'd managed that much restraint, but damn it, Sanzo seemed like such a smart guy for someone acting so stupid!

Or maybe he was just out of touch with those feelings, Goku tried to reason. It'd at least make sense for why his characters seemed so hollow: Sanzo seemed to have a lot of trouble dealing with any emotion that wasn't fury. Even when he'd been grateful just the day before, he'd almost looked scared of it.

He wasn't afraid today. Just pissed.

Then, Goku realized he should have been worried about that. Sanzo was a patron, and part of Goku's job was to keep patrons happy. Angry patrons tended to complain.

This time was no exception.

An hour later, while on his knees shelving books, Goku felt a light tap on his shoulder, and glanced up to see Hakkai waiting with a mild smile that he definitely did not mean. “Would you mind if we had a brief conversation?”

Goku swallowed, his tongue feeling too thick in his mouth. “I'm sorry.”

Hakkai heaved a little sigh and patted Goku's back as he stood. “I know you are.”

The employee's coat room was empty, and Hakkai shut the door behind him before addressing Goku. “He came to me rather than the head librarian and specifically stated that he did not want you to be reprimanded. However, he asked that I tell him your schedule so he could be here when you were not.” Hakkai laced his fingers as Goku hunched his shoulders and lowered his eyes.

“I, um, I'm sorry.”

“He also wanted to make it clear you did not start the altercation. You have nothing to apologize to me for.” Hakkai sighed again and put a hand on Goku's shoulder. “Unfortunately, he does have that effect on people. He's ... he's ...”

“Emotionally stunted?” Goku hadn't meant to say it, and covered his mouth as if he could scoop it back in. Hakkai exhaled through his nose, shaking his head.

“Unfortunately, it's true.” Hakkai squeezed his shoulder. “There are some rumors about him, but nothing I can confirm. The world hasn't been kind to him, so he's very defensive. I suppose, in a way, I'm apologizing on his behalf.” He patted Goku's arm, then let him go. “Please give him his space. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, either.”

Goku felt a tiny spot of hope. “Did he say that?”

“Not in words, but in what I'm almost certain was regret.” Goku puzzled on that for a moment, but Hakkai sighed again and lifted his hands in a little shrug. "I admit, I had hoped someone as bright as you might cheer him up. Seeing him as dour as he was worried me, and no matter how I tried to be an optimist for him, it always seemed to fall on deaf ears, or at least a mind deafened by realism."

"I'm not sure it's me that had him mad, I was just in his warpath." Goku scratched his head a little. "But, um, if it'll be easier, I'll just stay out of his way."

"That's probably for the best." Hakkai took Goku's coat off the hook. "Your shift is nearly over, if I recall. Why don't you take off early? I can cover for you."

Goku knew what Hakkai was doing, and tried not to sound too crestfallen. “Sure, yeah. Thanks. See ya.” He put his coat on and trudged for the front door, feeling Hakkai's pity like a bruise and trying hard not to scowl.

When he got home and took his coat off, however, he found that Hakkai had left something in his jacket pocket: one of John Zen's novels.

Goku ordered a pizza and spent the night reading. Sanzo's language was elegant, but a little dense. He painted pictures, but they were always bleak. The story was about an orphan in 1930's New York adopted by a kind priest who raised him until he was shot by a robber. The orphan then went out to try and find his father figure's killers, aided by a dignified policeman, a streetwise private eye, and a man who he saved from a speeding streetcar who vowed loyalty, only to watch the men who'd wronged him slip away into the darkness. The one he did manage to track down and capture escaped justice on the slimmest of margins: an insanity plea. The story ended with the orphan walking away from the city and turning his back on the few friends he'd made to a life of misery and solitude, believing that nobody could be trusted and nothing depended on. Goku couldn't even finish his pizza, dejected at just how miserable it all was.

He got an idea of what Hakkai was doing: “Is this what happened to ya, Sanzo?” He frowned as he turned the book over in his hands. Maybe it was fictionalized, exaggerated, and the setting was different for sure, but maybe that was just what the tragedy felt like to Sanzo. He'd probably written it this way as catharsis, but just getting it out didn't fix anything. You had to actually work with whatever had hurt you. 

Even so, this was much more heartfelt than the murder mystery, and probably one of the saddest things Goku had ever read. Did Sanzo live with that hurt? Did he feel like he couldn't love?

Maybe he just didn't want to. Maybe it was just too scary for him. 

“If I hurt like that after losing the only person who loved me, I'd be scared of love, too.” He closed the book after poring over the author biography on the back inner jacket and tucked it back into his coat pocket to return it to Hakkai tomorrow. “But he doesn't even try. That's just a shame.”

He was probably embarrassed at how little he knew, and afraid of what he might find out.

* * *

 

True to what Hakkai had said, Goku didn't see Sanzo the next day. He left in the afternoon without even a glimpse of that familiar green scarf or golden hair. 

Goku didn't catch a trace of Sanzo for his next few shifts, not a flash in the corner of his vision, not a whiff of cigarette smoke or woodsy cologne, not even the distant rumble of that rough voice. Sanzo might have been abrasive, but Goku would rather be rubbed the wrong way a little if it meant not feeling so damn guilty.

Gojyo tried to cheer him up, putting a little extra sugar in his coffee and ruffling his hair as he took the first sip. “Chin up, there's other guys out there. Nicer guys, y'know?”

“Yeah, but something about him ...” Goku licked the coffee from around the edge of his mouth, tasting the salt and sweet of the caramel on the tip of his tongue as he thought about what it was. “I dunno, there was something about him.”

“Sure.” Gojyo rolled his eyes. “A whole lot of attitude and spikes like a hedgehog.” 

“Even hedgehogs got soft squishy bellies.” Goku took another gulp of coffee, scowling past the cup as Gojyo snorted. “It's true, I knew a dude with a pet hedgie, they're great. They probably want someone to rub their cute little bellies, too, but you gotta get past the spikes.” He stared down at the lid of his cup, not really wanting to meet Gojyo's sympathetic gaze. “Sanzo ... I dunno, I was kinda getting past the spikes, I thought. I wanted to.”

“I know, kiddo.” Gojyo ruffled his hair again. “Well, hey, there'll be other chances, chimpy. Who knows? Love's kinda like that, and if anyone's good at finding the bright spot in dark places, it's you.” 

Goku hummed noncommittally and backed away, not much feeling like having Gojyo comfort him. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Gojyo shook his head from behind the coffee counter as Goku retreated. Goku didn't catch him motioning to someone else in the room, nor did he see Hakkai going to Gojyo's side. 

He had pretty sharp ears and keen eyes, so they surely knew to wait until he was well out of earshot and line of sight if they were going to talk about him without him knowing. Only later would Goku suspect that they'd talked about him at all.

* * *

As it turned out, Gojyo was right about surprises. Goku was enjoying his day off and just about to start making a peanut-butter-banana sandwich when he got a phone call from the library. He tucked the phone under his ear and kept digging in his refrigerator for the good banana jam as he answered: “Hi, you've reached Goku. What can I do for ya?”

Hakkai chuckled on the other end of the line. “You're always so friendly, even when I'm interrupting your peace and quiet.” He cleared his throat, as Goku put the jelly down and spread some . “Erm, but I'm afraid there is something you can do for me. We've had one of the afternoon shift workers call out with an emergency, can you close tonight? I'll get someone else to cover your shift tomorrow so you can have the day off.”

“Oh, for sure! You weren't interrupting much.” Goku grabbed a banana and quickly sliced it up. “Let me just put my lunch in a bag and I'll be right down.”

“You're a Godsend, Goku, really. I promise I'll make the favor up to you.”

“No big! See you soon!” Goku smeared the banana jam on the top slice of bread, mashed the two sides together, and wrapped it up in a paper towel. He liked his job enough not to mind getting called in, so he was perfectly content to take his sandwich on the road.

Hakkai greeted him as he came in, and he set about doing the afternoon tasks of stocking the shelves and helping scan returns back in. The afternoon was loud when the high school let out and kids came over to study, work on papers, or just hang out and play Minecraft on the computers to wait for their parents to pick them up. After the kids all left and the sun went down, though, the library started to get quiet fast. Gojyo closed the cafe up and turned the appliances off for the night at five, but he tapped Goku's shoulder on his way out:

“There's a cinnamon bun in the oven and a cold brew in the cooler for ya, kiddo.”

Goku would have kissed him if Hakkai wouldn't have gotten very, very angry. 

Hakkai left only an hour later, but stopped on his way out to frown out the window. “It's gotten rather overcast. Do you have an umbrella?”

“Nah.” Goku didn't stop checking books back in, shrugging just a little. “I didn't see rain in the forecast, but I won't melt if I get wet on my way home.” 

“I see.” Hakkai cocked his head, puzzling over Goku for a moment. “I'd hate for you to catch cold. If it does rain, I'll come back and bring you an umbrella after Gojyo and I are finished with dinner, alright?”

Goku grinned a little. Hakkai was the best, too. “Thanks a bunch! Hopefully I don't have to see you again, good night!” Hakkai waved as he left, smiling in his usual contented way, and Goku went on taking care of business, scanning the books and loading the carts.

Sure enough, Goku heard the first patters of raindrops on the windows while he was shelving the history nonfiction, and leaned around the shelves to see that the sky had gone slate gray and that the sidewalk was spattered with the start of a storm. Goku wrinkled his face up, just a little disappointed, then glanced around. He couldn't see any patrons, and hadn't heard anyone come in for a while. “I'm probably alone,” he murmured to himself. That was fine with him, he'd get a lot done if nobody was interrupting him. 

So he did. He was able to clear away most of the books on the carts, loading up the shelves for the morning, then putting all of those away too. The library was nearly as clean as it ever was by the time it was done, and he still had half an hour until closing. The atrium was eerie when it was this empty and quiet, and the rain seemed even louder on the skylights, the room too dark when there was no sun. He found himself sighing as he roamed the aisles, looking for anything he'd missed, misplaced books or things left out. Maybe he'd go for the computers if there really was nothing to do, except as he turned the corner, he spotted a significant stack of books left on the wobbly corner table, practically a wall. Goku knew who'd been there. He smiled just a little, a little wistful, a little sad, then went to put them away.

As he reached for the first stack, though, just as he got his hands around it, someone touched his hand. “I wasn't finished,” came a gruff rumble from behind the wall.

"Oh!" Goku gawked for a second as Sanzo tilted his head to peer through the gap between stacks, his face and oval-shaped reading glasses lit by the glow off of his little notebook computer and the bags under his eyes deeper than ever. "I didn't know you were–" His heart skipped a beat when he remembered that Sanzo had been trying to come when he wouldn't be there, and that he wasn't supposed to be here today. "Jeez, this is awkward. I'm super sorry, sir, I'll–"

"Don't call me sir." Sanzo's lip curled. "I ain't some geezer. I told you. Sanzo's fine." He paused, face relaxing then drooping. "I thought you ..." He huffed with disgust, then glanced down. "Never mind. It's gotten late. You're cleaning up, are you?"

"Closing duties. The evening folks try to leave the place nice for the morning crew, which is usually me, so I'm returning the favor." Goku swallowed hard and backed away. "But if you like, I can just–"

"Hey." Sanzo stood, and forced eye contact with Goku. Goku could tell how uncomfortable he was, and almost hesitated to return the courtesy. "Before. That wasn't your fault." He hesitated, looking like he wanted to swallow his own tongue rather than say another word, but then he did: "I'm sorry."

Goku knew how hard it was to admit fault, especially for someone who clearly meant to show no cracks in his hard façade. "Apology accepted. Everyone makes mistakes – believe me, I know that." He put on a self-deprecating grin, waving a hand. "Plus, you've been super frustrated with your research, and I know writer's block can be a super pain. Like, I've only ever written college papers, and sometimes it can take me forever to figure out where to begin."

"Where to begin. You're being generous in assuming I'm even ready to begin." Sanzo glanced down to his laptop. "You said you wanted to help. Maybe ..." He motioned. "Come here."

Goku circled the table and joined Sanzo behind his wall, and Sanzo slumped into the chair and motioned to the laptop screen. Goku recognized the interface of a familiar word processing program, and leaned in to read the text on the screen.

_ “Eris stepped close, too close. Adonis inhaled, and then” _

“And then?” Goku cocked his head, as if he might see the rest of the sentence from a different angle. Sanzo crossed his arms.

“I have no idea.” He pinched his brow at the bridge of his nose, then swiped his reading glasses off of his face. “It ... the words ... they're like what other authors write, and yet–”

“You're actually calling your characters Adonis and Eris?”

“Placeholders,” Sanzo sneered. Goku frowned as he thought about the scraps of handwritten notes Sanzo had discarded.

“So, I guess you don't even know who you're writing yet, huh.” He stood upright, crossing his arms. “Never wrote a love story before, right?”

“Lucky guess.” Sanzo ground his teeth together, and Goku shook his head.

“I guess you also just ... don't really know how that works, huh?”

“I'm not an idiot.” Sanzo scowled, drawing himself up and pushing his laptop shut. “I've seen idiotic love stories and movies before, I know the mechanics.” His gaze dodged left as he pivoted away from Goku again, then leaned his back against the side of the table. He glared at the nearest shelf with his chin low, clearly wanting to look at anything other than Goku, likely because, if Goku wasn't mistaken, Sanzo was blushing. “I've just never had cause to put them into narrative before.”

“So, um, why now? Tryin' to broaden your horizons, or–”

“Another author in a freelance group forum challenged me.” Sanzo huffed. “He told me I couldn't write anything that emotes more than an automaton. I may have insulted him in return, so he ...” Sanzo hesitated, then sighed and finished: “He told me to write a love story or he'd anonymously post my real name and personal contact information onto a message board of my fans.”

"What a jerk!" Goku cracked his knuckles. "Hey, that's way wrong! You give me  _ his _ personal information, and I'll–"

"I can't, I don't have it." Sanzo grunted with disgust and leaned on the table. "Just his handle on the forum – Mister Two – and his pen name. He says he dug through the paperwork on my trust and found out who I was. I have no way of verifying it, but I don't want to risk it. I prefer privacy and anonymity to my dignity, at least in this instance."

"Still, it's not fair to make you step outta your wheelhouse."

"Except he has a point." Sanzo's fingers drummed the table. "This ... it's something I should be able to do, but whatever muscle it takes to write emotion and deep feelings, it's atrophied from disuse."

Goku thought again of Sanzo's novel, of the young man who sealed off his emotions from others so he couldn't get hurt again. "That sucks. Maybe ... Maybe you just need to think about your character's feelings like they're your own. You write what you know, right?"

Sanzo cocked an eyebrow, and Goku felt hope rise like the first little bubble in a soda bottle. He was listening! "So, your 'placeholders,' you have to know them, know how they feel. Think about what would make you want someone so close that you could say you love them."

Sanzo's face tightened. Goku could practically see him chewing on things he didn't want to say. Finally, he flapped a hand. “I don't know. I've never been there.”

“Never?” Goku bit his lip as he thought, knowing he'd have to approach this like he was coming at a caged lion. He wasn't one for subtlety, but he was going to try. “So, you've never wanted to have someone touch your hair and say nice things?” Sanzo seemed to stiffen up a little more, but he bowed his head again. Goku read that as just a tiny bit of longing for someone to do just that. “Has someone ever put an arm around your shoulder? Just to make you feel wanted, just where you are? Or maybe done something nice for you, just 'cause they wanted to take care of you and be happy?” Sanzo squeezed his eyes shut, arms tightening around his chest. Goku dared take a step closer. “I guess ... um, maybe your mom or dad? That's a kind of love. It's somewhere to start.”

Sanzo's mouth wrenched down. He was quiet, but Goku wanted him to say something, so he would wait. Finally, he muttered, “Someone's been whispering in your ear.”

“No, I've been reading.” Goku edged a little closer. “Reading your books, reading you. You don't talk in words, but in lots of other ways.” He was toe to toe with Sanzo now, and he couldn't feel Sanzo pushing back at all. “I ... I didn't have a family – it's a long story, but there was this accident and I can't remember anything of my life 'fore I was like ten, and – well, it's a long story – but I had good friends who took care of me. They made me feel wanted, loved. I was lucky. I don't think you were as lucky as me. Maybe that's why it's so hard. You're pulling from a dry well.”

Sanzo said nothing, but the slouch in his spine, his lowered gaze, and the slight shake where his fingers gripped his elbows told Goku everything. Goku closed the last of the distance between them, bridging whatever gap remained. “You don't need to dig out the human brain and examine it, you need a little inspiration, and you're not getting it out of the books. Maybe you just need a real life demonstration.”

He was close, too close. Sanzo inhaled sharply, but Goku slid a hand up his cheek. "You can tell me to stop, but maybe I can tell you how I'm feeling about you.” He kissed the cheek he wasn't caressing, and he felt Sanzo's shuddering inhale. “I want to know you better. I want to know all the things that make you happy so I can do 'em for ya. You're so bright, it makes me want to come closer.”

Sanzo stilled, but his lips nearly touched Goku's ear when he spoke. “You'll get burned.”

“Only one way to find out.” Goku eased back from him to meet his eyes. “Can I try to do something that will make you happy? Make you feel loved a little?”

Sanzo's gaze dropped again, the wheels turning behind those unfathomably deep eyes, but when he slowly lifted his face to meet Goku's again, it was with a new light in his expression and a roguish, vicious smirk. “You've been trying to do that all along. If you're going to do it, then just–”

Goku swallowed whatever he was going to say next with a kiss to the lips, a brush of mouth to mouth, but when Sanzo leaned into it, it felt like a breath of fresh air and a burst of sunlight to Goku. Sanzo returned the first kiss, but Goku felt him hesitate. He plunged forward to pepper Sanzo's face with kisses, worshiping the cute little dip under his nose, his elegant cheeks, his noble brow, showering him with affection and adoration. Sanzo seemed to inch back, clearly a little overwhelmed, his face hot every time Goku kissed over it, and Goku felt him shift as he made to sit up on the table, shoving books aside and back, and Goku really hoped that clatter wasn't Sanzo's little laptop. Still, Goku followed, straddling his legs over Sanzo's knees as Sanzo reclined onto his elbows. He was rapt watching Goku lower himself over him, wary but excited. Goku caressed his cheek again, then trailed his palm down his neck and to his shirt collar, then popped the top button. Sanzo inhaled, mouth falling open just a little, and Goku leaned in to kiss him again as he worked his shirt loose. He slowly trailed his fingertips down Sanzo's breast and belly, chasing the goosebumps down his marble-smooth, cool skin to the gap in the hollow of his hip. As he thumbed at the waistband of his trousers. Sanzo shivered but thrust up into Goku involuntarily. Goku grinned.

“Been a while, huh? It's kinda funny to see you all excited.”

Sanzo shook his head quickly, obviously somewhere between panic and prayer. “Never. It's ... a lot.”

“Never?” Goku glanced down to the tent at the join of Sanzo's thighs. Oh man, Sanzo was a virgin. He could embarrass Sanzo way too easy if he overwhelmed him. Even so, he grinned a little wider. “Cool. That just means I get to make a good first impression.”

Before Sanzo could ruin the sentiment with a retort, Goku kissed him on the mouth again again, then cupped at Sanzo's erection through his pants. He kneaded at the shaft as he touched his tongue to Sanzo's, then matched the tempo of his kisses with his grip. Sanzo gasped a few times into Goku's mouth, and Goku used his distraction to open his fly. 

He went commando. Goku's heart jumped.

Sanzo was flushed bright pink even in the dim light, and he scrabbled for purchase, pushing books off of the table behind him. “You ... y-you ...”

“Is it too much?” Goku sat back, still straddling Sanzo's hips and just hovering over his dick. “I can stop.”

“Stop talking. Kiss me again. And ...” His gaze fell to Goku's groin, and only now did Goku realize just how lightheaded he'd gotten and that his dick was pushing at his fly like it was trying to break out of prison and run for the border. “That ... you're not going to–”

“This? I'll worry about him later.” Goku cupped his dick for a second, feeling a little relief at the contact, but ignored his own need as quickly as he'd become aware of it. “What we're doing right now? We're helping you. I told you, I'm gonna make you happy.”

Sanzo's gaze was sparking like a neon light, still so wary, but oh so excited. “Idiot. Doesn't it hurt?”

“Nah.” Goku adjusted his dick again, then lowered himself over Sanzo again. “He's just happy to see you having a good time. Now, what was it you wanted of me again?”

“Idi–” Goku didn't let him finish that insult either, kissing him again and grinding his hips against Sanzo's erection. This time, Sanzo gave as good as he got, kissing Goku back with a wild ferocity, clumsy but fierce bites at his lips. Goku let him, then tasted the inside of his mouth all over. Coffee and cigarettes and perfection. Sanzo finally released Goku, panting, and let Goku control the kiss as he lowered his hips towards Sanzo's again. 

His heart was racing too, and his own need ached. 

“So, you don't mind if I enjoy myself with you?” He worked himself loose, then licked his palm and wrapped his hand around both of their dicks. Sanzo’s prick was smooth, slick, and hot, like newly molded glass fresh from the kiln, and Goku felt like he was taking a dare just by touching it. Even so, he dared further, closing his hand tight around his and Sanzo’s shafts together. He gave them both a squeeze, then rolled his palm down the shaft to tease his sac with his fingertips. Sanzo strangled a cry, biting his lip hard as Goku braced himself with his open hand on Sanzo's shoulder. "That sounded kind of like a yes."

"J-just–!" Sanzo, flustered to a fury at the height of his pleasure, forced himself to swallow another moan as Goku thumbed the base of the cap, then nodded hurriedly. "Both. Together. Fine. Just–"

Goku rolled his hand and fingers back up with both of their dicks still in his grip, then set a harsh rhythm of stroking both of them. He had a feeling Sanzo might like it a little rough, and he could already tell he was right. Sanzo leaked helpless noises that Goku was sure he was too proud to unleash in front of anyone else, maybe sounds he didn't know he could make. Goku wanted to hear every noise, every sound, like he did every note of his favorite song on the radio, and he reveled in knowing he was the one bringing Sanzo to this height of sensation. His nerves were on fire as he picked up speed, then dove down to cover Sanzo's mouth with his and kiss him as if the only thing that could keep either of them breathing was the air from one another's lungs.

It may have only been the heat of the moment, but as white fire seared Goku's nerves and pushed him into ecstasy. He felt himself losing focus until Sanzo's hand joined his and forced an even faster pace, hard and fierce, just the way Goku liked it. Sanzo was speaking, saying something, but it was nothing but  _ words words words _ and it didn't matter right then, it was nothing but bliss, nothing but a wild cry the moment that Sanzo cried out and came all over the both of them. Goku chased him a second later, the searing heat of Sanzo's hand, the joy of knowing he'd brought Sanzo to his peak, the smell, the sounds, it was wonderful and ineffable and perfect.

There were no words. 

When Goku came back down, it was to the rasp of Sanzo's uneven breathing as he caught air again and the white noise of the rain droning on the skylights. They lay, Sanzo still flat on his elbows and one thin hand splayed in the puddle of come on his belly, Goku still gripping Sanzo's shoulder for purchase as if it were the only thing keeping him rooted to the Earth. As Sanzo's breathing evened out, Goku admired his face, his unusually soft, blissed-out expression, eyes aglow in the dim light as he looked up towards Goku again. Goku wondered if maybe this was what an epiphany looked like, or if maybe he'd just rocked his world so good he was melting a little. No matter what that smile was, Goku liked it. However, he liked the thought of kissing that smile even better. Goku leaned down to kiss Sanzo one more time, deep and slow and interrupted when the wobbly table gave out under them, sending both of them crashing to the floor and all the books Sanzo hadn't put away falling all around them. Sanzo let out an undignified noise and threw his arms around Goku as they hit the floor, and he clutched him a second longer as the last of the books settled. Then, they were still, silent, hearts racing again, and Goku gently patted Sanzo's back.

“Um, I think we're okay.”

Amazingly, Sanzo chuckled, then full-on laughed. It was a strange noise, joyful, harsh, biting, and beautiful, and his smile was sharp like broken glass. It was a little eerie, not quite right on his face, like he wasn't sure what to do with himself when he was happy. He rolled to a sit carefully, sliding his hands to grip Goku's shoulders. “Idiot.” It was starting to sound like a term of endearment, especially when Sanzo carded his fingers through the bits of Goku's hair that hung in front of his forehead. “Are you okay?” Goku nodded, his forehead touching Sanzo's just a little, and Sanzo gently bumped his forehead back against Goku's. “Stupid. You knew that table was–”

“Kinda forgot, y'know? More important things.” He grinned and slung his arm around Sanzo's shoulders. “Um, speaking of, my shift is kind of up, and the library's closed. I should, um, clean up ...” He trailed off as he took in what he had to clean, between the smear of spend on both of their chests and legs, to the books spread all over the ground, to the splintered table legs and top. Sanzo scoffed and loosened his grip on Goku.

“I'll help.” 

“Nah, nah, I got it.” Goku kissed Sanzo between the eyebrows again. “Just you wait right here. I said I'd take care of you, didn't I?” 

As he got to a stand, Sanzo was shaking his head and murmured something embarrassed and humbled. Goku didn't mind. When you liked someone, you wanted to see all sides of them, and Goku was absolutely sure he was well beyond a crush now.

Goku found some nearby tissues and cleaned himself and Sanzo off, then started to pick the books up and stack them. At least he was leaving some work for the morning crew, he thought with a little mirth, as he loaded the books onto the cart. When Sanzo caught his breath, he put himself back together, crawled off of the tabletop, found his laptop in the wreckage and made sure it still turned on. Satisfied that he hadn't killed his computer, he helped pile the books up from where he slumped on the floor. He was clearly worn out, but Goku couldn't blame him. He'd been a virgin once, too. Goku left Sanzo to pack up his bag, and carried the broken pieces of the table to the dumpster and wrote a note for the morning manager that it had given out, then went back to where Sanzo was drowsing with his back against the bookshelf. 

“Hey.” Goku crouched over him. “Um, this might be kinda forward, but you're falling asleep on me, and I'm not sure I should let ya drive. Can I take you home?” He held a hand out, and Sanzo grabbed it like he always did. 

“You keep doing me favors like you think I'm going to make it up to you.” He got himself to a stand, and Goku let him slump a little onto his shoulder. He shrugged as Sanzo rubbed his cheek to his head.

“I'm sure karma's got me, y'know?” He grinned to himself, content with reveling in the unconscious little bits of affection Sanzo was returning to him. And he said he didn't know anything about romance!

Goku let Sanzo wait for him at the door, leaned against the wall, as he turned the lights off. Then, he remembered what Gojyo had told him, and he found the coffee in the cooler. The oven was long cold, but the cinnamon bun was still warm. He broke it in half and offered it to Sanzo, along with a sip of his drink. He turned the cinnamon bun down, but took a long slug of the coffee.

“Salty and sweet,” he muttered, contentment in his undertones. Goku chuckled and wrapped his arm around him. 

“You usually only take black, right? You should try the special flavors, just tell Gojyo to go easy on the sugar if that's your deal.”

Sanzo snorted a little, then took another sip. “I guess tonight's a night for trying different things.” Goku wasn't even mad that the cup was only half-full when Sanzo gave it back.

Just as Goku got to the door, he spotted an umbrella leaned up against it. An umbrella that had absolutely not been there when Goku had last been near the door. He tried not to let Sanzo see him blushing as he made a mental note to bribe Hakkai to never tell the head librarian.

Goku's little studio apartment wasn't far away, and it wasn't much, but Sanzo staggered in and dropped his bag like he was already home. He collapsed into the cushy chair next to Goku's bed, facing the television, but instead grabbed his laptop out of his bag as Goku kicked his shoes off. He frowned curiously over at him. “Were ya tired?”

“Caffeine.” He motioned to his head. “Thinking.” He glanced up and around. “I ... I can work here. Can I?”

“Sure ya can.” Goku grabbed a bottle of peach juice out of the refrigerator. “Drink?”

“Water.” Sanzo paused as he slid his finger into the laptop lid. “And this is okay with you?”

“As long as you don't mind me sittin' near ya and watching some TV, since you're kinda in my comfy chair.” Goku put the glass of water down on the side table and slumped down to sit in front of his chair. Sanzo shook his head.

“You need more chairs.”

“Guess I needed more company.”

Sanzo 'hmph'ed, but as Goku opened his juice up, he carded his fingers into his hair. “Really, I should have taken you home.”

“Next time.” Goku grinned up at him. Sanzo tousled his hair a moment longer, looking more comfortable than he had anywhere else, then opened his computer.

“Next time.” With that, Goku heard Sanzo's fingers hit the keys, and he turned the television on and settled in.

It almost felt like things had always been this way, as Sanzo melted into the chair and Goku relaxed against him. 

* * *

Three.

Three whole months Goku had been with Sanzo, and to Goku, it felt perfectly natural, every second. Sanzo was still kind of cool and a little withdrawn, but Goku could see his true demeanor under the icy facade that tried to keep others at bay. There was a very shy heart in there, one that wasn't sure how to speak yet, that could only express itself in subtle actions and hesitant returns of affection. Goku was absolutely willing to wait and coax his tender side out bit by bit. After all, he'd jumped too easily from feeling like he'd never talk to him again to having him stay in his home.

For the first month, Sanzo all but lived in Goku's tiny apartment, working away. Goku didn't even need to prove it to Gojyo, because he was living it. Sanzo's clothes were piled in his laundry basket, his soap and shampoo sat on his bathroom counter, his green scarf and beige jacket were hung up next to his every morning and evening.

Goku wasn't even sure why, but Hakkai suggested that something about being near Goku put Sanzo at ease enough to venture into new territory.

Goku got a few pointers from Hakkai for proper care and keeping of an author, and kept Sanzo supplied with tea, snacks and genuine encouragement as needed (which Sanzo pretended not to be grateful for). He was also happy to provide “inspiration” whenever it was needed, especially once he got across to Sanzo just how nice cuddling was in the afterglow. Whatever Goku was doing right, he was hitting the mark square on. Sanzo got the first draft done after just a few weeks, but refused to show Goku. The editing process was laborious, as Sanzo's editor (with whom he chiefly communicated by email and vicious insults thrown at his computer screen, and whoever this Sharak lady was, Goku couldn't help but hope she was tough enough to laugh him off) was apparently extraordinarily strict. Merciless, Sanzo called her, among many other things.

But then, when the editing process was over, that was the hard part: waiting for the first print run. Despite his maturity, Sanzo was impatient under his thin veneer of constant irritation. At the same time, Sanzo started sleeping at his own home some nights, mostly the nights when he was crabby and snappy in his impatience, but Goku didn't mind. He had figured Sanzo might be the type to want his own space sometimes. Even Sanzo didn't seem to understand, shaking his head in disbelief as he gathered his things up to leave again.

“And you're likely still enough of an idiot to let me waltz back in here, aren't you?” Sanzo huffed with annoyance, shoving his notebook into his bag as Goku cleared away Sanzo's untouched dinner plate. Goku shrugged and made to push the plate's contents into a Tupperware (still good, even if Sanzo had pushed it all around the plate while grousing about the entire universe, until finally getting annoyed with Goku's cheer and throwing his fork down).

“I'm not gonna hold you at your worst against you, 'cause I know there's a best of you, too.” Goku glanced over at him, grinning. “After all, I'm an idiot, and you don't hold it against me.”

Sanzo halted at the door, hand on the knob. Then, he shook his head. “Don't call yourself an idiot.” He strode back across the room and put a hand on Goku's head. “This ... me ... isn't you.” He carded his fingers through his hair. Goku could see his throat working a little, as he tried to summon words, but failed. “I ...”

“You don't have to say it, okay?” Goku took his hand and brought it down to his chest. “You're stressed about your book, and being with someone like this is all new to you, too.” He squeezed his palm. “Take it at your own pace, but do what's right for you. I can see you trying.”

Sanzo was quiet, but pushed his palm against Goku's breast. “You better let me come back.” He kissed his forehead before turning around, returning to the door. Goku saw him hesitate, but he still left. It stung a little to see him go, but when he had episodes, it took him longer and longer to make himself leave every time.

Soon, Goku trusted, he would see Sanzo want to stay and work it out, talk it out, or if not talk it out, at least let Goku talk him all the way down. Maybe Sanzo needed a little more than just love and reassurance, but Goku knew he could offer the latter, and he was sure he was working on the former. Then, he would help Sanzo with the rest.

After all, when Sanzo was feeling warm, that big hand in his hair was a gift, his embrace was warm. He was so obviously thirsty for affection and love, and he had lots to give somewhere under his hard outside. Goku wished he could have told Gojyo that he'd melted the Ice Princess, but he wouldn't say that about Sanzo. Sanzo wasn't icy. Hot and cold sometimes, but Goku loved his warmth and could only giggle at the cold.

Three months, and though Sanzo was a strange one, Goku would never complain, because being with him felt so absolutely right. Maybe Sanzo still had his misgivings, but he just needed continued proof of concept.

Three months and a day after they first came together, Sanzo's book debuted. He was away that day on a road trip to his publisher's HQ to give an interview. Goku felt his heart pumping hard as he unpacked the box Sanzo had personally arranged for donation to his library system, making sure he labeled and shelved them all personally. He wanted to set one aside for himself to read that night, but he wanted everyone else to read it first much more, for sure.

The next day, Goku was on his break, enjoying his coffee and the latest issue of the  _ Spiderman _ series he was following, when he heard Gojyo from across the room:

“Here's loverboy now!” Goku's head shot up, and he saw that familiar green scarf and golden hair first. The grin hit his face like a bullet, hard, as Sanzo stopped at the counter and said his order, likely under his breath, but Gojyo leaned over the counter, grinning lasciviously. “I read your new one last night, and let me tell ya ...”

Whatever Gojyo said next was quiet enough that Goku couldn't make it out, but from the pink in Sanzo's ears and the filthy grin on Gojyo's face as he poured Sanzo's coffee, it was probably complimentary. Goku only caught a little bit:

“You went deep, man! Sounds like someone's finally gotten through to your melty, creamy center.”

Sanzo had no retort, ears going completely red now. He said something else Goku couldn't make out, then turned from the counter and tried to scrub the blush from his face as Gojyo went to work on something else. Something landed at Goku's elbow just then, and he turned back around to see Hakkai setting a book down next to his coffee cup.

“I've been meaning to pass this off to you. It's our latest monthly recommendation for the romance section, you see.” Hakkai winked. “If you have a chance, give it a read, so you can tell patrons about it. This is my personal copy, but you may borrow it overnight.”

“Thanks!” Goku grinned, then peeked at the cover. Sure enough, it was Sanzo's, or rather, John Zen's  _ Chaos Unbound. _ It was marked with post-it flags, some pink, some neon green, and Goku could only imagine that Hakkai and Gojyo each had their favorite parts. He opened to a pink flag, and read right at:

_ “opening him up like the petals of a flower with deft fingers, pulling at his layers as he stretched him wider” _

Not at work! Not at the library! Goku had promised himself, no more erections at the library! Instead, he went for a green flag.

That was more reasonable.

_ “Adam stood steadfast at the cold glare Eric fixed on him, fists drawn tight, voice chilled as he spoke, vehemently, viciously, 'An idiot like you brings nothing but chaos. You understand, don't you? What it is to be alone?' _

_ 'Better than you know.' Adam was confident, unwavering in the face of Eric's rage. _

_ 'And that's the pathetic part.' Eric spun on his heels, fists clenched. He couldn't let Adam see, couldn't bring his own pride that low. Not when Adam seemed to love that pride as much as he did the rest of him, not when Eric had never realized what it was to be adored in his entirety, had never known it was possible. Adam's voice was soft when he spoke again: _

_ 'You're not pathetic.' _

_ 'I am.' Eric shook his head to hide a shiver. 'You turn my life upside down, and here you are, like a tornado in place. You only consumed me to let me walk in your eye.' _

_ 'Isn't the eye of a tornado peaceful?' _

_ He could hear Adam smiling, his force of nature beaming like a benevolent God. He could only bow his chin to his chest in reverence. _

_ 'Yes.'” _

There was a creak, and Goku smelled cinnamon. Sanzo had put a cinnamon bun down beside him, as well as a fresh cup of coffee. He sat himself with his usual black coffee, but Goku could scent a little nutmeg in it. That was something new. Then, Sanzo leaned in, kissed his forehead, and murmured:

“Start it at the beginning, you goof.”

“Later. It can wait, y'know?” Goku put it down and scooted his chair closer to Sanzo's. “You wanna tell me about your trip?”

Sanzo smiled behind his coffee cup, but rested his arm around Goku's shoulder. “Later.”

They didn't need words right now.


End file.
